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Jackie Mason on Starbucks

This is my favorite:

Jackie Mason’s On Starbucks:


You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks,

Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50.

For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little

cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?


Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until

you're blue in The face. Forty-million people are walking around in

coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!"

And it's still 60 cents.


You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If it's Cafe Latte - $4.50.


You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop;

they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more

money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your

coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. But not in

Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50.


You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the

refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're

27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start

begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you

want more?"


Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a

dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four

cups of coffee -- $35.00. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at

Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a

coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I

don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at

Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend." It's a special

bean from Argentina....."the bean is in your head.


And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they

have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't

been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year

old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair.

And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee

because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's

saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.....


"Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles,

"Mister, could you get me off this?"


Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods

all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were

no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money

on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either.

They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that

you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.


It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a

cardboard cup for your coffee -- except in Starbucks, the less you

get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's

worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating?


Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a

regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie.

And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to

have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And

you can't put butter on it because they want extra.


Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream

cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife

to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel

costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the cream

cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh,

you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here.

Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk

around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The

butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there.

" You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then

the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips."

You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money.


Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're

finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've

become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place.

Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got

dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an

hour and a half.


If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole

new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for

coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll

have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up

for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's

the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain

of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a



Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French

titles for everything, Nazi bastard sons-of-a-bitches. And I say this

with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.


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