Sarcasm is irritating and unsettling and should be used frequently.
Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars.
If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss.
Variety is the spice of divorce.
An egotist is a disgusting, low person who is more interested in himself than he is in me.
The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is that you don't know all the facts.
If everyone agrees with me I reconsider.
Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes.
Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel.
We only owe our children two things: love and hope.
Never repress anything but your pants.
I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else.
I DO understand you—that’s the problem.
Always take the road less traveled--unless it’s through Gary, Indiana.
If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong.
If our wives knew what we were thinking during sex with them, no wife would ever have sex with their husband again. If we knew what our wives were thinking during sex, it would be an incredible turn-on!
I wash and wear the pants in my family.
It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong.
I can handle criticism so long as it isn’t about me.
When the heart is full, the head is empty.
The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing.
We're all a little nearsighted and must take a step back to see things more clearly.
The best way to kill someone's enthusiasm is to tell them "yes".
It’s absolutely amazing how intelligent you seem when you are agreeing with me.
When your competition’s sleeping, it’s best to tiptoe bye.
You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up.
Thank God there are only 10 Commandments!
I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach so long as it isn't my own.
Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work.
If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time.
Listen to your heart, but use your brain when you open your mouth.
Don't come on too strong when you hold the winning hand or you'll find yourself playing solitaire.
The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it.
Being worse is no excuse for losing.
The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who finish everything they start
There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure.
If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong.
There are many ways to measure success, but only one you can spend.
Spare the rod.
The only people you should admit your transgressions to are your great, great grandchildren.
Peace of mind grows in my garden.
The deeper the thought the more I want a beer.
You can't win if he has nothing to lose.
If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will.
Love goes without saying.
If you can't find the tune, it's classical. If you find it and lose it, it's jazz.
What you are is more important than who you are.
Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection.
Even your favorite dessert tastes bitter if it's shoved down your throat.
If success does not buy happiness, what's the point of being happy?
There's an inverse relationship between availability and desirability.
If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them.
If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t play ‘em.
"Thank you, I would like a banana," is the most you should tell your competitor.
You are where you eat.
An empty closet is the devil’s playground.
Pulling your weight is smarter than pushing your luck.
If you don't love yourself neither will anyone else.
All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it. ©2010